Rough Days Ahead (My Story Part 2)

Not long after I surrendered my heart to the Lord, I married the girl I had been dating. I knew in my heart I should not, but my pride would not listen. I had already told everyone I was doing it, and that was the way it was going to be. I can remember making excuses in my mind about having cold feet or it being normal to be nervous. I wish I could tell you that being a Christian made my life a bed of roses, but that is not always true. Life is better, and there is great hope, but the struggles of life are still as real as ever and the consequences of bad decisions do not disappear.

Three and a half years later, my world fell apart. The marriage had not been easy, there had been many struggles along the way, but I never expected that it would end the way it did. I had made my share of mistakes along the way. I could not say it was not partially my fault, but I fought to keep it together. No matter what I tried, she would not change her mind. My ego was hurt, but more than anything, I was angry. As I experienced this, it was inevitable that I would begin to relate it to the experiences of my childhood. I was angry that the God who had claimed to love me had let my Dad walk out on me, and now was allowing someone else to do the same thing. It was not long before, I had placed all of the blame for every hard thing I had ever endured on God.

I was angry enough that I ran from Him. I tried everything I could to get God to leave me alone. I ran back to a life like the one I had lived before being saved. I was out living it up, drunk most nights, looking to fill my life with superficial friendships that would never be allowed to hurt me, using women for my own pleasure, and treating them as if they only had one purpose in this life. I was even praying at times that God would forget me. My life began to spiral out of control. It was only after having been arrested twice for assault that I began to realize it. As hard as I ran, I can tell you that I was miserable, and my heart was breaking. If I surrounded myself with people and parties, I was good, but in the quiet of the night, when I was alone, I knew how wrong I was. I sensed it in the depths of my soul and knew that there was only one way back, but once again, my pride got the best of me.

As I walked down this path, the sad truth is that I was dragging two innocent boys along with me. Today, I am glad they were young and do not remember much from those days. Unfortunately, I know for certain that at the time, they were struggling, and I was more concerned with myself than with helping them. They suffered because of decisions that they had no control over. They were innocent by standers. I knew what it was like to be like them, but I was too preoccupied to care.

These were some very hard days for us. As I said earlier, I wish that I could say that the Christian life is a bed of roses with no more struggles or pain. Unfortunately, I cannot. Even roses have thorns. Decisions that we make and that others make for us can hurt. We still struggle with a flesh that desires the sins it knows and loves so well. Our minds are weak, and our perspectives are too short to have complete understanding. Yet there is hope. Even in the midst of my rebellion, I knew this was true, but I was too proud to admit it.

As I began to realize what a mess I had made out of my life, and as I began to admit that I was wrong, something awakened in me that I could not explain. Even in my early years as a Christian, I had not experienced this. I developed a longing to read the Bible and to do the right thing for a change. I would not have been able to tell you what was happening in the midst of it, but I can tell you with the benefit of hindsight, that the Holy Spirit of God was at work with in me. He had not left me and definitely did not forget me. In fact, I can see today that even as hard as I had tried to change His mind, God loved me just the same and nothing would ever change that.